Sacred Cows

I mean, come on. I know many of you (especially KYT) simply adore this idol to self-indulgence, but geesh. And we wonder why Hollywood makes fun of Ohio. And I haven't been able to verify, but I've heard rumors that there either is, was or will be a life-sized butter statue of Jim Tressel.

Am I the only one to see a metaphor here?

No wonder we're all fat! Well, some of you aren't. I know I could stand to lose a few pounds. But that's just all the more difficult, after staring at a statue depicting our biggest source of calorie intake (did somebody say McDonald's?) made out of one of the most fattening substances known to man!

This is what I picture - it's the last day of the fair, and Jim Tressel is starting to drip. Countless hordes of overweight Midwesterners, clad in t-shirts depicting Old Glory and wearing NASCAR hats, see this atrocity. In a fit of terror they begin consuming their dairy-sculpted god (Don't let that flag touch the ground!). And of course that would be the day some AP photographer is covering our fair... what an image. I'm picturing something like the zombies in Day of the Dead devouring the guy near the end of the movie. Except instead of blood and guts, it's butter and self-loathing dripping down their chins.

For God's sake, folks, eat an apple.