A Seven-Day Weekend Squeezed Into Three

I think it was Einstein who coined the following description of time and relativity... I say I ‘think’ it’s Einstein because I’m typically too lazy to remember or look up cool quotes that I want to drop into my own text. But anyway, the description of how time is relative goes something like this.

The length of one second is a relative thing. Compare the length of five seconds spent kissing a significant other, next to five seconds with your bare hand on the hot eye of a stove. And there is the theory of relativity.

This weekend was kind of like that. Some weekends just fly by and are gone before you know it. But I’m sitting here at work on Tuesday and it feels like I’ve been on a week’s vacation, three-day-weekend notwithstanding.

I think I put at least 1,000 miles on my truck this weekend. I drove six hours on Friday, after working a full day, and sat in a swelteringly hot gymnasium while two of my cousins graduated from high school. Sometimes I forget some of the things I dislike about where I grew up - sitting next to me was a little dirt-faced kid, causing a fuss, and the woman ‘keeping an eye’ on him was actually louder than the kid. It was a friggin’ graduation ceremony, for Pete’s sake, and she was using a regular outdoor redneck voice to shut the kid up during the valedictorian speech.

“Look up there, mommy’s watching you and you’re going to get in trouble,” the woman (she may have been a carnie) drawled at the kid.

I looked up and one of the girls in the front row, be-decked in cap and gown, glared down at the kid.

Ah, Sweet Home Monroe County.

And that was just Friday. The rest of the weekend was filled with the walking dead, a S.T.A.R.S. tactical combat unit, Star Wars storm troopers, and that was all just in Goodale Park. From there, the pickup truck was filled with goodies once more, the make up was removed (although if you ask Experimental Dater I still looked like I was wearing eye liner) and it was off to the camp site. I will blog in detail about those experiences soon.

It’s been a long-ass weekend. Time to return to the real world, sans zombies.

Sam Jackson Was Right

I have had it with these motherf*$%in' snakes, on this motherf!#$in' plane!!!

This Agression Will Not Stand

I swear, my former company (or perhaps, I should say, the mega-conglomerate that ate it) are a bunch of bumbling, scruffy-looking, sand-baggin' SOB's. And I've never even met them in person.

I rant because I am no longer tied to the corporate teat, and my current job is not threatened by what I have to say about the cowboys. But they are all vicious bastards, as HST would say. Dam the torpedoes!

A friend of mine was given a promotion this week. New phone number, new desk, new salary, new responsibilities. Kudos for her. She's also one of the best reporters I know, and a damn good columnist as well. Before the day was over, she was informed that the cowboys had 'eliminated the position.' After she had told all her sources goodbye, thanks for all the fish. After she had probably strutted around the newsroom like a 10-year-old on Pop Rocks who just got the complete Sweatin' to the Oldies dvdboxset for her birthday.

Has the whole world gone crazy?

Fine. If my friends keep getting dicked over by corporate Texas, I propose a new plan - we shall form a media empire of our own. We shall single-handedly put out publication after publication, thumbing our nose at ridiculous people from the South and their poor business practices, and we shall make them (like so many tourists before them) wish they'd never set foot in Ohio. Oh yeah, and all the writers/editors will pull down 100K a year. With a sweet 401k.

"Remember back to your early teachings. 'All who gain power are afraid to lose it.' Even the Jedi."

"The Jedi use their power for good."

"Good is a point of view, Anakin. The Sith and the Jedi are similar in almost every way, including their quest for greater power."

"The Sith rely on their passion for their strength. They think inward, only about themselves."

"And the Jedi don't? The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural."

"Is it possible to learn this power?"

"Not from a Jedi."

Apathy and Other Small Victories

I wanted to loose on the world two passages from the most messed-up (delightful) book I have ever read. This character obviously has some problems:

"There comes a time in every man's life when he wakes up drunk on the toilet and begins to doubt the choices he has made. And when that time comes at least twice a day, every day, something needs to be done."

"I didn't kill Marlene. The whole thing was ridiculous. I'd blacked out from alcohol plenty of times before. Some of those times I'd done things with ugly women that I never would have otherwise done. Sometimes I'd pissed places I probably shouldn't have pissed. Sometimes I did other things that were gross and sad. But I'd never blacked out and murdered anyone before. You'd have to be really religious to do something like that. Or famous and on designer drugs at least."

In Response

So on Teterbot's web site, she asked people to tell her some of their favorite jokes that they've told in their lives. I've already blogged about it - my jokes work more like a good story, the veritable tall tale, if you will. I must consult with my ancestors as to whether this is appropriate for my family lineage or not.

More to come... updates abound.

Wading Through

Blades of Glory was my last damned post? Where the hell have I been, you may ask. Well, now that SuperBlogger has named-dropped in her up-and-coming greatestthingsincewhoknowswhat blog, it is truly time to blog or die. It must be done.

Don't worry, kids, I have some new, shiny and interesting topics to blog about soon, like some major changes coming down the road, i.e. I'll probably be moving away from sweet Arcadia very soon. Time to pack up the deer heads, the stuffed bobcat and my shotguns, jump in the pick up truck and head Downtown. You know, like where the classy people live. Just like Jack Nicholson says in Batman - Wait til they get a load of me.

Topics abound - the disappointing turnout that was Spiderman 3, friends' experiments with time traveling, the wonders (and horrors) of nihilistic fasting, among others. And don't worry - I'm going to continue to whore out my own video work from the company web site. If no one at the company is going to compensate/pat-on-the-back for it, well I'll just do my own back-patting.

Breathe slowly.