Around the World and Back Again, That's the Sailor's Way

Things I've seen/learned/witnessed/testified on behalf of this past week while on vacation:

Many of you know (I say many like there's a lot of you out there who read the copy here at MMNIE) that I took last week off for vacation. Well, I would describe it more along the lines of not going into the office - it still felt like work. I spent the last nine days traveling all over Ohio, visiting old friends, trying out new eateries, and playing concierge to a group of Marines and Navy sailors fresh back from Iraq.

I'm happy I'm alive.

Here's a rundown on some of the things I experienced in my travels:

1. I was educated in the exact method of constructing a real whiskey still. I am curious.

2. I saw a Marine who goes by 'Dragon' lock & load a pistol, acquire his target, and pump four out of seven slugs into a beer can at 30 paces, all in under five seconds.

3. I also learned that said Marine can get his ass handed to him in a Halo II deathmatch by a well-practiced, motivated country boy. All hail the dual-needlers!

4. I learned that it doesn't matter if you're a tri-county karaoke legend - a bar band will NOT let you sing back up vocals when they cover Bon Jovi's 'Dead or Alive.'

5. If an OSU football legend-turned-farmer hands you a mason jar of murky liquid and calls it 'apple pie,' odds are it will be 180-proof and taste like diesel fuel. Also, if said apple pie makes you throw up the next morning so everyone in the house can hear you, you can say that you gagged while brushing your teeth.

6. It is entirely possible to sit in a strip club for five hours, spend no money at all and only drink two beers. Your Marine buddies will pick up the slack. (315 bucks, C.D.? That's a month's rent for me!)

7. Don't expect the woman working the drive-through at White Castle to be very friendly when you bring those Marines through after the strip club at four in the morning. Your order will be horrendously wrong. No one will notice.

8. I saw a girl balance a full pitcher of Flying Dog on her head, an Andrew W.K. impersonator, and an overweight man humping the stage while singing Prince's 'Cream' at the karaoke bar. And that was all before I got up and sang Joan Osbourne.

9. Do NOT check your work email while on vacation. You will be sucked in. You will feel guilty. Resist the urge. No one will miss you, don't worry.

10. Although you may be the only one on the booze bus who knows Columbus, don't expect your fellow riders to like the bars where you tell the driver to stop. Or to respect your choice of beer. Or to not question your sexuality. Or to not ridicule your taste in women (is that a paradox?).

11. Don't ever get drunk and pass out around me when I have a camera. Especially after hazing me on the booze bus. I will take your picture. I will photograph you with drool dripping from your chin. I will put those photos on the Internet. I'm just that cruel.

There were many other adventures, which will be touched upon later. This is too long already.