The Old is the New

Way back when I first started up MMNIE, I had a regularly, on-going facet to the jewel, which I've so-far left behind. But I think it's time to start it back up again. Just so you know, Brody was the champion of this game. Keith also excelled.

It's the same as the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game, except you can take any two actors and try to link them together in as few movie-steps as possible.

Example: Bruce Willis to Johnny Depp: Willis was in Armageddon with Liv Tyler; Tyler was in Lord of the Rings with Orlando Bloom; Bloom was in Pirates of the Caribbean with Depp.

Not too hard to figure out. Well, here's the latest re-installment. I'll make the first one easy.

STEVE CARELL to NICOLE KIDMAN.

Have fun, kids. I expect at least four comments to this post.

Who Is That Masked Man?

I'm shamelessly copying an idea my friend Jenn had on her blog, but I thought it was a fun idea, and bored as a get during planning commission meetings, I put together a list of some of my favorite cameos from the movies. I.E., if someone famous/funny/weird just happens to pop up in a film for the hell of it, or if they just have a small part that could have been played by a no-name for a lot less money, they made the cut. These appearances aren't in any particular order, just how they popped into my head. Feel free to critique or copy.

1. Kid Rock as Robby in 'Joe Dirt': "You alright Dirt?" "Yeah man, I'm cool." "No you're not."

2. Steven Seagal as Lt. Colonel Austin Travis in 'Executive Decision': He's in it for like 10 seconds before he gets sucked out of an airplane to his doom. Die, Steven Seagal!

3. Billy Connolly as Uncle Monty in 'Lemony Snickets': Any time Il Duce shows up in a movie, it automatically becomes better. Just look at Last Samurai.

3. John C. Reilly and Liam Neeson in 'Gangs of New York': Pretty much every role in this film is a sweet cameo. But these two were exceptionally sweet.

4. B.B. King as Malvern Gasperon in 'Blues Brothers 2000': Another movie with an ass-ton of cameos. "Blues Brothers band. Hmph." "Bunch a wannabe players." "How good can a mess like that sound anyway?" "Hey man, don't worry - we gonna smoke these turkeys."

5. Brad Dourif as Wormtongue in Lord of the Rings: The voice of Chucky. 'Nuff said.

6. Phillip Seymour Hoffman as Brandt in 'The Big Lebowski': "This is our concern, Dude."

7. Gary Busey as the state trooper in 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas': "Can I just get a little kiss? I get so lonely out here."

8. Stellan Skarsgård as Cerdic in 'King Arthur': "Kill them all; kill everybody."

9. Rade Serbedzija as the homeless guy in 'Batman Begins': "That's a nice coat."

10. Brendan Gleeson as Reynald in 'Kingdom of Heaven': The most magnificent beard...ever. "I am what I am. Someone has to be."

11. Dennis Hopper as Kaufman in 'Land of the Dead': "Zombies, man. They creep me out."

12. Randy Quaid as Joe Aguirre in 'Brokeback Mountain': "You boys sure found a way to make the time pass up there. Twist, you guys wasn't gettin' paid to leave the dogs babysittin' the sheep while you stem the rose."

13. Ronny James Dio as Ronny James Dio in 'Pick of Destiny': He should have rode in on a chariot spitting flames that set Sasquatches on fire. That's how cool Dio is.

14. Mark Hamill as Cock-knocker in 'Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back': Sorry, I still am too much of a Star Wars geek not to add him onto this list. Even if he is fighting Jason Mewes with a laser-dildo. "You killed captain clown."

15. Christopher Lee as Mr. Wonka in 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory': Man, they're putting him in everything these days. Must be trying to get their money's worth before he croaks.

16. Cloris Leachman as Great Gam Gam in 'Beerfest': "You and I are not so different Mr. Badrinath. I've had all kinds of things shoved up my ass. But I got over it!"

17. Alanis Morissette as God in 'Dogma': Because George Burns never did a hand stand.

18. Sonny Chiba as Hattori Hanzo in 'Kill Bill': Who better to give the bride her sword? "For those regarded as warriors, when engaged in combat the vanquishing of thine enemy can be the warrior's only concern. Suppress all human emotion and compassion. Kill whoever stands in thy way, even if that be Lord God, or Buddha himself. This truth lies at the heart of the art of combat."

19. Henry Winkler as Henry Winkler in 'Little Nicky': Covered in bees!

20. Bill Nighy as Phillip in 'Shaun of the Dead': "Mum, he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood!"

21. Kathy Bates as Roberta Hertzel in 'About Schmidt': You know why. That image will never get out of my head.

22. Andy Serkis as Lumpy in 'King Kong': Not only was he the ape, he was also the ship's cook. And he gets his face bitten off by a giant, uncircumcised penis!

23. Vinny Jones as the Juggernaut in 'X-Men 3': Once again, 'nuff said. Bitch.

24. Hunter Thompson as Hunter Thompson in 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas': "There I was... mother of God, there I am!"

25. And finally... Christopher Walken in ANY MOVIE HE'S EVER BEEN IN. There are too many quotes to reference. Instead, I will leave you with an image that says everything.

Zombies and the Men Who Love Them

Last weekend, Garthifer and I drove through the snowy streets of Groveport to audition as extras in a low-budget zombie film. As it turned out, Garth and I even auditioned for speaking roles in the movie (not much of a stretch for me - I read for the part of Bobby, a mid-20 something redneck) and Garth for an uppity scientist’s assistant. We thought it would be something fun to try, and it’s looking like we’re actually going to do it (they need at least 100 people to play zombies) and Jenn and I might even help out with the zombie makeup for the extras!

But I thought this might be a good springboard to write a blog about why I’m so obsessed with the entire zombie thing, as most of my friends are painfully aware. I’ve begun to notice my friends (including some of you reading this) have begun to look at me a little oddly with the whole thing, so I thought I might try to justify it to myself by writing it down. Ok, here goes.

I think to start off, zombie movies are the only kind that truly frighten me. I can watch any other horror flick, be it monsters, aliens, or your typical slasher film, and while they might be entertaining, they don’t really scare me. Not so with the zedd word - when done right, ala George Romero, they scare the living bejeezus out of me, which is really fun. Oh yeah, and then there’s Jaws (which I find terrifying) but that’s another story. So in a nutshell, I like to be scared by movies, and zombie movies are about the only ones that do the trick.

Also, the idea of zombies themselves have so much capacity to be used as a metaphor by a writer. If done correctly, a zombie horde can be a symbol of loss of identity (you become a mindless, soulless automaton that’s been assimilated by the group) a question of the afterlife (is there life after death? These things had to come from somewhere), and even the fast zombies from 28 Days Later, one can’t help but be reminded of any television footage ever seen about rioting (this is what happens when large groups of people become truly enraged).

If you have a good writer, a zombie movie also is a great opportunity to examine human characters and what they would do in a true survival situation. Who becomes a natural leader? Why and how does a character decide to only care about his own skin? Why does a particular guy cave under pressure and completely lose it? A great example is a comic series called The Walking Dead. The zombies themselves, while playing a major part of the story, are mainly out of the frame. The story itself is primarily about the survivors, and how they try to pull their lives together after tragedy.

Oh yeah, another good reason - zombie movies give me hope as a writer. Explanation: any of you writer friends of mine out there, watch the majority of the crappy zombie movies I have in my collection (there’s almost 40 now), and you’ll say to yourself, ‘Shit, I can write a better script than this!’ If movies like that are getting made with such terrible scripts, I think my chances of someday penning something better are pretty damned good.

I suppose there’s also the whole pioneer mind set that appeals to me as well. Come on, how many of you wouldn’t find the idea of living in a society where you could basically do whatever you want at least a little interesting? Maybe it’s because I’m a libertarian, or there’s a little Mad Max living in me. But, the government’s gone. The police are gone. Your boss is dead. The stores are empty. Just like the scene in Dawn of the Dead when the survivors go on a giddy shopping spree in the mall, us living would have free rein to do whatever we wanted, with no one telling us otherwise.

And of course, the country boy in me wonders if I could survive in the world of one of these movies. I mean, I know how to shoot a gun and I own several, I know how to survive in places where there aren’t McDonald’s and Starbucks... I’ve always wondered if I have what it takes to survive in a world full of zombies.

Well I know there’s more, but for now I doubt even the most devoted readers have gotten this far, so I’ll cut it short. There may be more, however... my obsession knows no bounds.