My Middle Name is Earl

Columbus Zombie Walk 2008

2008-06-25T20:33:00.003-04:00

Columbus Alive Covers Zombie Walk

2008-06-18T12:52:00.001-04:00

The Execution

2008-05-13T13:07:00.003-04:00

And here would be a short (shooorrttt!!!) film shot by our little troupe, with Chris Alexis directing, Chris Bournea producing, and yours truly in charge of lighting and camerawork. Yippee!

Shootin' Pool With the Big Boys

2008-05-07T16:36:00.002-04:00

So guess who has had two full stories published in the Columbus Dispatch so far this week. I'll give you three guesses. And the answer isn't Gene Simmons.

That's right, it's me. Cause I'm the man.

Yeah, this one might be a fluffy feature, but apparently it's a damned good fluffy feature. In any event, it's a tear sheet.

Otterbein's office of communications referred to me as Clark Kent today.

And You Wonder Why I'm Afraid of Hilary Clinton as President

2008-04-24T13:06:00.003-04:00

Source: STAN HONDA/AFP/Getty Images

Choose Your Own Adventure

2008-04-15T23:35:00.003-04:00

I had one of those 'choose your own adventure' books as a kid (still do) called Middle-Earth Quest: A Spy in Isengard. It was the sweetest book ever. You could flip through the pages and make the main character's decisions for him at major plot points, then skip ahead to see if your decision saved the day, or dropped you down a well, just like Bon Jovi.

Anyhoo, this web site I found is sort of the same thing, except you have to write what comes next. Most of the writing seems to have been done by angsty teens, but a couple of the short stories are enjoyable.

If anything, at least it's better for you than watching that new Brett Michaels show.

This is Amazing

2008-04-14T19:59:00.002-04:00

For those of you with weak stomachs, I'd steer clear. The truly hardcore will watch until the end.

Guest Book for Mark Major

2008-04-14T11:40:00.002-04:00

For anyone interested, a colleague shared this link with me for an online guestbook for Mark. Read it, post memories on it, whatever suits your fancy.

Barack to the Future

2008-04-11T16:04:00.003-04:00

Barack Obama apparently hasn't spent much time in the rural Midwest.

"You go into these small towns in Pennsylvania and, like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing's replaced them...And they fell through the Clinton Administration, and the Bush Administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate and they have not.
And it's not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations."

Because that's what small town America's all about: Praisin' our Lord while we be shootin' our guns at them what ain't White.

Sorry Teterbot, I don't think I like the cut of your boy's jib.

THE City of Columbus Cares Too Much About Football

2008-04-07T13:23:00.002-04:00

This is not news.

I really don't care about the changes in facial hair patterns of Ohio State University's football coaching staff. How in the name of Walter Kronkite does this merit a frickin' news story? There's a war going on, people!

And yeah, I left the 'The' out on purpose, as I do in all of my news stories. Pretentiousness, downright pretentiousness!

Keep Your Fingers Crossed, Patrick J's

2008-04-04T09:57:00.000-04:00

God Bless Walken

2008-03-27T11:55:00.002-04:00

You can't get any better than this.

Everyone Else's Map is Sweeter Than Mine

2008-03-18T16:08:00.003-04:00

Yeah, I'm not very well-traveled. Maybe I'm just too awesome to move around that much. Eh.

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

They Are Coming

2008-02-12T00:20:00.000-05:00

It's a new year, and in a few more months it'll be time for the second annual Columbus Zombie Walk, boys and girls! Sweet zombie Jesus, I can't wait. This first YouTube how-to will get you started, and I'll explain a bit more about this awesome weekend later. Toodles.

Keeping My Fingers Crossed

2008-02-07T14:03:00.000-05:00

So, after watching and reminiscing over the old animated GI Joe movie the other night, I decided to fire up the Internet Movie Data Base to find out a bit on what Hollywood plans to do with one of the best parts of my childhood. Nay sayers abound, but I'm keeping all 10 digits crossed that it will turn out alright.

First off, they got Ray Park for Snake Eyes. The black-clad, Uzi-toting mute ninja is a must for any film depiction of GI Joe, and while you wouldn't recognize Park (they seem to like covering his face up), you might remember him as a short-lived Sith named Darth Maul. If they throw in even one fight scene that uses Park like the end of Phantom Menace did, I will be a happy boy.

I'm not going to get into the rest of the casting yet, which seems sort of tentative, but the guys that wrote the script for this incarnation also penned the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, which I like from a story-telling standpoint. That's definitely a plus for me.

So who knows, apparently my generation's childhood heroes make perfect fodder for this day and age. It is a good time to be a movie fan and child at heart. X-Men, Batman rebooted, Spiderman, Blade, Hellboy, Transformers, Iron Man, Fantastic Four, Rambo, Rocky, Indiana frickin' Jones, Constantine, Superman... the list continues.

I'm holding out for the Thundercats and the A-Team to come whoop up on Harry Potter.

Neglecting my Blog

2007-12-14T15:44:00.000-05:00

Sorry! We'll work on that.

I want to give a plug for any of you who still bother to check my blog - you should read a recently published novel called Head Games. It was written by my managing editor, Craig McDonald, and I've almost finished it - I can't put it down. It's a crime novel that takes place along the TexMex border in the 1950's, and without getting into the plot too much, I'll say that involves Hemingway, Orson Welles, the Skull and Bones Society, and best of all, the unclaimed skull of Pancho Villa. McDonald's story zips right along, his characters ring true, and it's taking me longer than it should to read a 200-300 page book, because I keep re-reading his prose. Y'all should read it.

Here's hope to all of us Midwestern writers - becoming published is not a myth! It can be done!

On another note, things have been mostly status quo with me. Aside from almost taking a slug in deer season this year (first time in 15 years of hunting that's ever happened), I've spent more time working on the fiction than the exposition here at MMNIE. My house is spotless, which is a big step; my bills are being paid on-time, by yours truly (a very important part of mental health), the knee's feeling better thanks to Mom's medicinal suggestions (Osteo Bi-Flex, baby!), work's going well, especially with the bevy of familiar faces put in a professional setting, and the first two-three chapters of my book have been securely mapped out in my brain. Life is good. The past few months have been filled with productivity, shooting pool with friends and discussing story structure, cooking dinner with my tiny Columbus family unit, snow ball fights, entertaining Columbus radio stations, playing with my four-wheel-drive, and strong handshakes in Westerville. Never underestimate the value of a solid handshake.

Yeah, things have been good. Life's getting on track. It seems we're all beginning to weather the ravages of 2007, and coming out on the other side. Well done, all.

There are still steps that need taking, but they can be taken with a full heart. Chin up, kids.

More Vids

2007-11-21T14:10:00.000-05:00

In the same vein as my current posts, I present a video I found today. All I can say is... wow.

Elephant Playing Darts

Add to My Profile | More Videos

There's No One Like Dan

2007-11-12T19:32:00.000-05:00

And this would be a video of my friend Dan, showing his moves in a Halloween-costume-dance-off in Wheeling. He won second place, but lost half his costume. (Dan's the long-hair dressed like a zombie cowboy).

Who's Ready?

2007-11-08T16:03:00.001-05:00

Hoorah

2007-11-08T13:10:00.000-05:00

Elections are over, boys and girls! Since I think most of MMNIE's readers are also reporters, I won't complain about 18+ hour work days on Tuesday, but we all made it through safe and sound. Now I can go back to sifting through my work email for feature and business stories instead of filling every inch of the front page with election stuff.

Who's ready for deer season?

Forcing Myself to Blog

2007-10-30T15:11:00.000-04:00

Much has happened recently. Many topics for blogging have been evaluated and ultimately rejected. Elections and heavy workloads are upon us reporter-types. Basically I haven't really felt like blogging lately; between work, fledgling film scripts and a ballooning novel manuscript, the yearning to type more text has been set aside for watching movies and spending way too much time with facebook's Jedi vs. Sith application.

So bear with me if some of these upcoming posts may seem a bit labored. It takes a little while to scrape the rust off the axle. So, vote on these topics for my next post, or adopt them into your own blogs; you have the power.

1 - The subject of tithing: does it exclusively mean that we give 10 percent of our income to God, or does it include charities? I would be happy if I could give that money to a worthy charity, but that's not the point, is it...?

2 - Or I could rant on how the California forest fires are the result of poor legislation and terrible forest management over the last half century, not the fault of the Santa Anna winds.

3 - Or I could pose this question to my numerous small-market reporters: We hear a lot from pundits about how the media is doing a terrible job covering the war... how does that trickle down to us? When we do get the occasional story to cover about a local returning from Iraq or being killed, how do we cover it, why, and what are our responsibilities to our readership?

4 - Will Merlin ever be financially stable? Should he start a fund soliciting donations from able-bodied friends and non-profit groups to provide him with a nest egg?

5 - Did I leave the stove on?

The Marvels of Modern Technology

2007-10-26T23:21:00.000-04:00

To go along with my favorite holiday, here would be some videos for your enjoying pleasure.

"Here's to Devil's Night... my new favorite holiday." - T-Bird

The Best Holiday of the Year

2007-10-25T22:12:00.000-04:00

Halloween is finally here. To help celebrate, I thought I'd spruce up the music a bit around here with something a bit more seasonable. Enjoy.

Bloggers Unite!

2007-10-04T20:14:00.000-04:00

Yup, there's six of them. These pups were found in the middle of the road by a co-worker's friend, and they're in need of homes. According to my co-worker they have to be adopted within five or so days, so I thought I'd put it up here on MMNIE. The rest of you that blog, copy this onto yours, or take one of them! To my knowledge they've been sprayed for fleas and wormed.

Graduation

2007-10-03T20:41:00.000-04:00

Here's the video put together by the folks at the Westerville Division of Fire for this year's Citizens' Fire Academy. More on this post later.

A Recap

2007-10-02T15:07:00.000-04:00

Yeah, it's been awhile, but I haven't been in the mood for blogging much lately. In reverse, here's a recap of what's been going on with me lately:

-This coming weekend: a friend from Washington D.C. is in town, and my family decided to schedule a last-minute (at least as far as I was informed) 90th birthday for my gramma in West Virginia. Can I do them both? Will Truck Norris be able to handle the mileage? We shall see!

-I still haven't been to the Rennaissance Festival. Regardless of how nerdy that may sound, I still wanna go.

- My video store by my house that I frequent every day closed its doors last weekend. A single tear was shed. Damn, I was that place's best customer! Now where will I be able to find titles like Die You Zombie Bastards, Dead Clowns, and Who the @#^%^$ is Jackson Pollack?

-Operation Hell on Earth Redux took place in Kent. When asked their names, some high school kids told me I should refer to them by their online handles. To the kid in the Darth Vader suit - so which button do you press to get your mom to come pick you up?

-I now officially have a director of cinematography credit to my name. I helped my friend Chris B. shoot his new short film, which we plan on entering on numerous film festivals. He likes to refer to us as Tarantino and Rodriquez, but I'm a little too pale to be the latter, and he's a little too dark to be the former. Mousetrap Productions, bring it on!

-I watched Wild Hogs with my dad, played fetch with my family's dog, and had an entire weekend devoid of craziness. Apparently, it can be done.

-And now I'm going back in the past a little far for my addled brain to remember. Did I mention I'm working on a book? If any of you kids out there lean toward the nerdy side, I could use a good flock of editors.

Who's ready for Halloween?

LT Reminded Me That She Has Good Taste In Music

2007-09-11T20:22:00.000-04:00

My friend Teterbot recently put up some music by the great Dr. Ralph Stanley, and I found some more on YouTube to share. For those of you who aren't into bluegrass and might not have heard of him, Ralph's the guy who sings 'Man of Constant Sorrow' in O Brother, Where Art Thou?. He opens with that on this video, and follows it up with 'Pretty Polly.' Stick around for the second song.

Maybe There's Something In This After All

2007-08-22T22:39:00.000-04:00

I received one of the best professional comments I've ever had tonight. I was sitting through the Westerville planning commission meeting, and followed a guy into the lobby to grab a business card.

When I introduced myself and said I work for the paper, the guy recognized my name. I wanted to do a story about his business, and he seemed happy to hear it. He commented that I've been really busy lately, and I asked him what he meant. He said there had been a lot of big things going on in Westerville lately, and every time he saw a story about something that meant anything my by-line was on it.

He mentioned a couple specific stories I had written in the previous weeks, and when I shook his hand, he said he was excited that I was writing a story about his business, because he thought I'd do a good job.

That's a damned good feeling. And it comes on a good day, a day after pissing off nearly half of my sources in one afternoon. It might be hard sometimes, and thankless a lot of the time, but this writing thing just might work out. Besides, shooting guns is the only other thing I do well, and a military haircut is a little too short for my liking.

If It's Not One Thing, It's Another

2007-08-21T17:55:00.000-04:00

Work has always been a safe haven. No matter how messed up the rest of my life may become, I've always managed to leave it in the parking lot, come in, put on my reporter hat and crank out copy. Lately, even work has started to become a mess.

Office politics be damned!

I realized today that when you stand up for yourself, look someone in the eye, and tell them that you're not going to be taken advantage of, whatever the cost, it makes you feel a little better. Probably earns you some respect in the process.

Ask the office, I'm in a bit of a blunt mood today. Who knows, if any of you manage to reply to this before the day's out and I'm in the same mood, maybe you'll hear a bit more. Throw me some talking points, kids. Anything goes.

RIP Danny

2007-08-17T15:25:00.000-04:00

Many of you may have heard me ramble about the Tourettes Guy web site over the past few years. I've never been able to tell if it's a fake or not, but it's always been this balding guy with glasses in a neck brace, sporting a Tony the Tiger t-shirt, who apparently has Tourette's Syndrome. His kids are always running around filming their dad getting into goofy situations, all the while screaming profanity in creative, inappropriate ways.

Well, apparently, Danny the Tourette's Guy died a few weeks ago.

Am I still allowed to laugh at his videos? I can't help but chuckle when he screams 'Bob Saget!' after hitting a bees' nest with a lawn mower.

Anyway, here's a pretty long video compilation of some of his better scenes. Enjoy, and spread the love.

Shameless Plugs

2007-08-17T12:58:00.001-04:00

This whole deal about telling news stories with a camera is getting a little more streamlined. Here's the latest video I've put together for ThisWeek. And for my film enthusiast friends, note the absence of wipes and dissolves!

People Coming Together

2007-08-15T16:01:00.000-04:00

Wow, since I've added this new site meter to my blog, all kinds of interesting info is popping out of the woodwork. Apparently, as well as my die-hard core of Columbus OH readers, I'm also getting hits from Romania, Australia, the U.K., Italy, Korea, Peru, Poland, and even the good 'ole Canucks are reading MMNIE! I would say welcome in each of your native languages, but odds are if you're reading my blog you speak English. So...

Hihowaayyaa!

As so many newcomers are hitting up the site (I suspect the multimedia has a bit to do with it) I'll make an effort to be a little less small-scale with my posts. Maybe a little info on Ohio? Who knows... you tell me. Those of you reading this who don't know me on a personal level, pipe up! The management's doing some marketing, baby!

Training For When The Zombies Come

2007-08-12T19:57:00.000-04:00

Since LT has already blogged about our fun weekend out in the country, I won't elaborate too much on that. But I will show you guys some video I put together, as everyone gets some hands-on training in proper zombie extermination.

The House of Nightmares

2007-08-11T15:38:00.000-04:00

More to come. - the management

We Have Sound!

2007-08-10T12:13:00.000-04:00

And now my blog has a playlist for your listening pleasure.

I Will Now Never Move to New York City

2007-08-07T13:13:00.000-04:00

In the words of Lewis Black... HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE CRAZY!?!

Where's George Carlin when we need him? Probably not in NYC... He's liable to be censured by city council. Apparently his seven words that can't be uttered on television wouldn't be welcome in the Big Apple.

I'm making this statement completely without researching NYC's council, but I'll bet you anything it's a bunch of uncomfortable, rich white people who are all for this stupid, enraging idea.

YOU CAN'T BAN WORDS!

I hope massive crowds mob city hall, repeatedly chanting 'Bitch' and 'Ho' until the council members realize that they're total idiots. If I lived there, I'd pull a Jack Nicholson from the Shining and send them a 500-page manuscript made up only of those words (in eye-pleasing patterns).

And what are the next set of words the scared white people will try to ban? How about 'poor?' Or 'Dumbass?' They've already tried it with the word 'nigger.' I don't use it, but I'll be damned if some politician's going to tell me I can't if I wanted to.

It's a shame some of the things you see in this world when you ain't carryin' a gun.

Sacred Cows

2007-08-06T17:19:00.001-04:00

I mean, come on. I know many of you (especially KYT) simply adore this idol to self-indulgence, but geesh. And we wonder why Hollywood makes fun of Ohio. And I haven't been able to verify, but I've heard rumors that there either is, was or will be a life-sized butter statue of Jim Tressel.

Am I the only one to see a metaphor here?

No wonder we're all fat! Well, some of you aren't. I know I could stand to lose a few pounds. But that's just all the more difficult, after staring at a statue depicting our biggest source of calorie intake (did somebody say McDonald's?) made out of one of the most fattening substances known to man!

This is what I picture - it's the last day of the fair, and Jim Tressel is starting to drip. Countless hordes of overweight Midwesterners, clad in t-shirts depicting Old Glory and wearing NASCAR hats, see this atrocity. In a fit of terror they begin consuming their dairy-sculpted god (Don't let that flag touch the ground!). And of course that would be the day some AP photographer is covering our fair... what an image. I'm picturing something like the zombies in Day of the Dead devouring the guy near the end of the movie. Except instead of blood and guts, it's butter and self-loathing dripping down their chins.

For God's sake, folks, eat an apple.

Oh, Sweet Irish Festival

2007-08-05T17:20:00.001-04:00

I love the Irish Festival. You meet so many new and interesting people. And sometimes, you meet people like this:

And then, of course, there's some more performances:

The Greater Good

2007-07-24T15:57:00.000-04:00

Here's an article that I think could spark some interesting debate. It seems that some countries are considering the option of implanting microchips into HIV carriers in an effort to stop a disease that's decimating their country. Hmm.

It seems I've already made my opinion clear on what I think about inserting microchips into any living thing, but this brings up an interesting point. I understand that HIV and AIDS are horrible wherever they're found, but what about in some of these African countries where they are threatening entire populations of people? At what point is it morally acceptable for their governments to disregard the individual rights of its people in an effort to stop a disease that if, unchecked, could leave that government with no people to govern?

We've never really experienced a pandemic in this country during my lifetime. What do you think our own government would do if something like that happened?

My Acting Debut

2007-07-17T17:20:00.000-04:00

Well, John finally put some videos on youtube that he shot from back in film school. This first installment features yours truly as a kick-ass stunt man. Note the three-story freefall! And as always, the unflappable Brody has the title role.

Storm's a Brewin'

2007-07-17T17:07:00.000-04:00

Dark clouds gather upon the horizon. Strange occurrences in global politics, a country at war. The Spice Girls have reunited. Spinal Tap has reunited. Shitstorm 2007 continues.

I was watching HBO after work last night, and I saw four separate depictions of graphic buzzkill suicide. Two depictions in Laws of Attraction, one in Lethal Weapon, and a fourth in Little Miss Sunshine. Is T.V. just getting too bad, or am I watching too much HBO?

Wow

2007-07-14T13:02:00.001-04:00

Sweet zombie Jesus, kids, do I have a story for you. It will come later, though - for now you'll just have to ask G Jonah and SJP for the gory details. Let's just say I got lost in Grandview last night at four in the morning, and was berated for throwing away Taco Bell (which looking back, was probably a bad idea).

Keep the fingers crossed, kids!

For You Literary Types

2007-07-11T15:45:00.000-04:00

Basically I have two things in my life to which I devote the majority of my time - books and movies. While my odd case of ADD draws me to new hobbies, which I immerse myself in for a few days and then forget, those are the big two that I always stick with. And lately, with my reading, I've noticed a funny overlap.

When I'm reading a book with new characters in it, once the writer gives a physical description of that character, I replace him/her in my head with some famous actor. Right now in the book I'm reading, the main character is Reed Richards from Fantastic Four, the heroine is Jennifer Connelly, and the main character's grandfather is Ian McKellan.

Is this odd? Do any of the rest of you do this?

When I used to read, I just made up in my head what these characters looked like, and never thought anything of it. But now, I'm replacing my own mental creativity with stock images from Hollywood. I kind of like it, I can picture in my head how the scene would be acted, but I feel like I'm copping out. What do y'all think?

More Than Meets the Eye

2007-07-08T18:30:00.000-04:00

Everyone seen Transformers? So is it just me, or did Megatron look like an X-Wing when he transformed?

Effin' sweet.

Answer

2007-06-25T16:27:00.000-04:00

Well, no one actually answered the last one, so I've taken it upon myself. Here ya go.

Adrian Paul was in Highlander: Endgame with Christopher Lambert; who was in Highlander with Sean Connery; who was in Rising Sun with Tia Carrerre; who was in Wayne's World with Christopher Walken; who was in King of New York with Laurence Fishbourne; who was in Higher Learning with Michael Rappaport.

To Make J.N. happy

2007-06-25T16:25:00.001-04:00

Try this one - and I'll try to pick actors whose hair resembles nothing like my own.

Bruce Campbell to Rodney Dangerfield.

Agh, Ronald Reagan!!!

2007-06-25T16:20:00.000-04:00

So Comfest is done and over with. We actually had a lot more fun this year than last - the day started earlier, our lives were endangered by a drunk/stoned/pharmaceutically-modified cab driver, and we were smart enough to bring our own drinks into the park.

I'm really starting to feel like I live here now, instead of still being the 'new' guy - I ran into at least half a dozen people I know through various channels and circles, all inside the giant crowd. You really live somewhere when you start running into people you know at humongous outdoor hippie fests.

More on that later, however - we just got new computers at work, and although I can now access blogspot, we're still having some new tech issues. Back to the grind.

Try This One

2007-06-20T20:34:00.000-04:00

The last winner goes to Leonard. Keith's was good, but his was in less steps.

Adrian Paul to Michael Rappaport.

Family Ties, Michael J. Fox and You

2007-06-17T20:04:00.000-04:00

So I just spent basically the entire weekend with my sister. I think that's the first time we've done that in years - after I picked up stakes and left home for college, and then her subsequent foray into higher education, we've just sort of lost touch over the past five or six years. But she was in town for a two-day conference, and instead of wasting money on a hotel, she just crashed at my apartment.

Sometimes I forget that we actually do have things in common. Although she just graduated from a Christian college, and her faith is a major part of her life (and I've sort of left mine to the way-side) we basically still have similar senses of humor, we both have the same love for good books and movies, and, of course, we have the same set of family members to bitch about. Good times.

So Court and I drove around downtown Columbus Friday night, just shootin' the breeze and looking at the skyscrapers. We haven't actually talked for several years, and it was nice to get back into it and catch up. Apparently the latest update on Operation Get Courtney Married includes she and Craig possibly moving to Denver! Well, at least I'll have a free place to stay the next time I venture west. But that's an entirely different topic, for a different posting.

The Old is the New

2007-06-16T18:42:00.000-04:00

Way back when I first started up MMNIE, I had a regularly, on-going facet to the jewel, which I've so-far left behind. But I think it's time to start it back up again. Just so you know, Brody was the champion of this game. Keith also excelled.

It's the same as the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game, except you can take any two actors and try to link them together in as few movie-steps as possible.

Example: Bruce Willis to Johnny Depp: Willis was in Armageddon with Liv Tyler; Tyler was in Lord of the Rings with Orlando Bloom; Bloom was in Pirates of the Caribbean with Depp.

Not too hard to figure out. Well, here's the latest re-installment. I'll make the first one easy.

STEVE CARELL to NICOLE KIDMAN.

Have fun, kids. I expect at least four comments to this post.

Hey Dubliners!

2007-06-14T01:04:00.001-04:00

Bloggin' 'Bout Blogs

2007-06-13T21:04:00.000-04:00

Eating lunch with some friends today, the topic, as it usually does, revolved for a little while about what we were blogging about. Is it kind of sad that we share stories about what's going on in our lives in our blogs instead of in person? Or am I reading too much into it...

As for some of the crew, I knew more about them by reading their blogs than I learned in person. And my friends that blog on a more regular basis than me... I feel shamed by their productivity.

I never know what to write on this damned thing. Most of the topics end up being under-developed ideas for essays or magazine stories. I still have trouble doing the 'this happened to me today' thing that some of my fellow blogg-ites do. Oh well.

Any ideas? So anyway, I was driving to work this morning and I saw a dead deer...

What Superman Does In His Spare Time

2007-06-12T17:40:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I have to emphasize to my non-reporter friends that I do, indeed, have a real job. Sure, I don't have the same hours from one day to another, and regularly sleep in until 10 or work until 11 at night. I can pretty much show up and leave whenever I want/need, and I do a lot of crazy, fun stuff for my job.

It is still a job, however, as the rest of you writing hacks are well aware. For the readers out there that don't cover a beat (which I think is a minority) I thought I'd throw together a list of the pros and cons of being a reporter, in no particular order.

PRO #1: There's always updated reading material in the office's bathroom.

CON #1: It's always information you've either written yourself, or heard your friends talk about.

PRO #2: You can work (or not work) basically any time of the day you choose.

CON #2: The people you need to call for work (sources), well most of them are on a 9-to-5 schedule. If you want them to talk to you, guess when they're going to call you back.

PRO #3: You get to meet some really interesting people. I've interviewed a blind toy maker, a presidential candidate, rock stars, and even zombies.

CON #3: They're not all that interesting. I've also interviewed a woman who grew a pineapple in her living room, for a real news story. I'm not kidding.

PRO #4: Usually as a reporter you'll end up on good terms with the local police and fire department, which can come in extremely handy when you lock your keys in your car behind city hall after a council meeting on deadline. Or so I've heard.

CON #4: If you get caught doing something you shouldn't within your coverage area, odds are the competition (if they don't like you) will pick up on it and slap your name in their right-to-know section. In other words, don't live in the area you cover.

PRO #5: From reading police reports, you know the parts of town where you shouldn't park your car at night.

CON #5: As a grown man, you're now afraid of the dark.

PRO #6: If you're lucky, you can work from your own home.

CON #6: It's hard to get work done at home when HBO is having another Star Wars marathon. And there's laundry to do. And oh yeah, you're cell phone bill will be outrageous.

PRO#7: You can take hour-plus lunches the day after deadlines.

CON#7: You work 12-hour days and don't eat lunch the day of deadlines.

PRO#8: Once you've been on your beat awhile, people start calling you up with story ideas.

CON #8: Once you've been on your beat awhile, people start calling you up with story ideas. All the time. About their cat show.

PRO #9: As a reporter, you have easy access to public records. If you have a blind date with a public employee, you can find out how much she makes before you go out.

CON #9: As you're a reporter, odds are she'll have to pick up the tab at dinner.

PRO #10: Sometimes you get thank-you notes or other letters of gratitude from readers, or story subjects, thanking you for doing a good job.

CON #10: If you happen to spell a kid's name wrong in a high school sports or graduation story, you will receive 500 angry phone calls, emails, faxes, letter bombs, telegrams, smoke signals and telepathic memos from a legion of angry parents. Hell hath no fury like a soccer mom scorned.

A Seven-Day Weekend Squeezed Into Three

2007-05-29T14:15:00.000-04:00

I think it was Einstein who coined the following description of time and relativity... I say I ‘think’ it’s Einstein because I’m typically too lazy to remember or look up cool quotes that I want to drop into my own text. But anyway, the description of how time is relative goes something like this.

The length of one second is a relative thing. Compare the length of five seconds spent kissing a significant other, next to five seconds with your bare hand on the hot eye of a stove. And there is the theory of relativity.

This weekend was kind of like that. Some weekends just fly by and are gone before you know it. But I’m sitting here at work on Tuesday and it feels like I’ve been on a week’s vacation, three-day-weekend notwithstanding.

I think I put at least 1,000 miles on my truck this weekend. I drove six hours on Friday, after working a full day, and sat in a swelteringly hot gymnasium while two of my cousins graduated from high school. Sometimes I forget some of the things I dislike about where I grew up - sitting next to me was a little dirt-faced kid, causing a fuss, and the woman ‘keeping an eye’ on him was actually louder than the kid. It was a friggin’ graduation ceremony, for Pete’s sake, and she was using a regular outdoor redneck voice to shut the kid up during the valedictorian speech.

“Look up there, mommy’s watching you and you’re going to get in trouble,” the woman (she may have been a carnie) drawled at the kid.

I looked up and one of the girls in the front row, be-decked in cap and gown, glared down at the kid.

Ah, Sweet Home Monroe County.

And that was just Friday. The rest of the weekend was filled with the walking dead, a S.T.A.R.S. tactical combat unit, Star Wars storm troopers, and that was all just in Goodale Park. From there, the pickup truck was filled with goodies once more, the make up was removed (although if you ask Experimental Dater I still looked like I was wearing eye liner) and it was off to the camp site. I will blog in detail about those experiences soon.

It’s been a long-ass weekend. Time to return to the real world, sans zombies.

Sam Jackson Was Right

2007-05-25T06:17:00.000-04:00

I have had it with these motherf*$%in' snakes, on this motherf!#$in' plane!!!

This Agression Will Not Stand

2007-05-18T18:11:00.000-04:00

I swear, my former company (or perhaps, I should say, the mega-conglomerate that ate it) are a bunch of bumbling, scruffy-looking, sand-baggin' SOB's. And I've never even met them in person.

I rant because I am no longer tied to the corporate teat, and my current job is not threatened by what I have to say about the cowboys. But they are all vicious bastards, as HST would say. Dam the torpedoes!

A friend of mine was given a promotion this week. New phone number, new desk, new salary, new responsibilities. Kudos for her. She's also one of the best reporters I know, and a damn good columnist as well. Before the day was over, she was informed that the cowboys had 'eliminated the position.' After she had told all her sources goodbye, thanks for all the fish. After she had probably strutted around the newsroom like a 10-year-old on Pop Rocks who just got the complete Sweatin' to the Oldies dvdboxset for her birthday.

Has the whole world gone crazy?

Fine. If my friends keep getting dicked over by corporate Texas, I propose a new plan - we shall form a media empire of our own. We shall single-handedly put out publication after publication, thumbing our nose at ridiculous people from the South and their poor business practices, and we shall make them (like so many tourists before them) wish they'd never set foot in Ohio. Oh yeah, and all the writers/editors will pull down 100K a year. With a sweet 401k.

"Remember back to your early teachings. 'All who gain power are afraid to lose it.' Even the Jedi."

"The Jedi use their power for good."

"Good is a point of view, Anakin. The Sith and the Jedi are similar in almost every way, including their quest for greater power."

"The Sith rely on their passion for their strength. They think inward, only about themselves."

"And the Jedi don't? The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural."

"Is it possible to learn this power?"

"Not from a Jedi."

Apathy and Other Small Victories

2007-05-16T00:00:00.000-04:00

I wanted to loose on the world two passages from the most messed-up (delightful) book I have ever read. This character obviously has some problems:

"There comes a time in every man's life when he wakes up drunk on the toilet and begins to doubt the choices he has made. And when that time comes at least twice a day, every day, something needs to be done."

"I didn't kill Marlene. The whole thing was ridiculous. I'd blacked out from alcohol plenty of times before. Some of those times I'd done things with ugly women that I never would have otherwise done. Sometimes I'd pissed places I probably shouldn't have pissed. Sometimes I did other things that were gross and sad. But I'd never blacked out and murdered anyone before. You'd have to be really religious to do something like that. Or famous and on designer drugs at least."

In Response

2007-05-15T23:13:00.000-04:00

So on Teterbot's web site, she asked people to tell her some of their favorite jokes that they've told in their lives. I've already blogged about it - my jokes work more like a good story, the veritable tall tale, if you will. I must consult with my ancestors as to whether this is appropriate for my family lineage or not.

More to come... updates abound.

Wading Through

2007-05-11T07:02:00.000-04:00

Blades of Glory was my last damned post? Where the hell have I been, you may ask. Well, now that SuperBlogger has named-dropped in her up-and-coming greatestthingsincewhoknowswhat blog, it is truly time to blog or die. It must be done.

Don't worry, kids, I have some new, shiny and interesting topics to blog about soon, like some major changes coming down the road, i.e. I'll probably be moving away from sweet Arcadia very soon. Time to pack up the deer heads, the stuffed bobcat and my shotguns, jump in the pick up truck and head Downtown. You know, like where the classy people live. Just like Jack Nicholson says in Batman - Wait til they get a load of me.

Topics abound - the disappointing turnout that was Spiderman 3, friends' experiments with time traveling, the wonders (and horrors) of nihilistic fasting, among others. And don't worry - I'm going to continue to whore out my own video work from the company web site. If no one at the company is going to compensate/pat-on-the-back for it, well I'll just do my own back-patting.

Breathe slowly.

Blades of Glory

2007-04-30T17:31:00.000-04:00

And here's video number two, our own take on the world of figure skating. Eat your heart out, Will Ferrell.

Look Out Rodriguez

2007-04-23T00:35:00.000-04:00

My very first published video. Ain't I cool?

The Perfect Black and Tan

I Shouldn't Be Out in Public

2007-04-23T00:22:00.000-04:00

I've come to the conclusion that I only blog a lot when I'm in a really good mood. Being happy makes me write more, but when I'm only neutral or below I lose the urge. How does this work for the rest of you? When are you a better writer, when you're in a good place, or in a bad place? I've always thought that kind of interesting - mostly we hear about certain famous writers being pretty messed up themselves, like Brett Easton Ellis. Hmm.

In other news, a really good friend just told me she's getting a new job and moving out of state in three weeks. I know she had to move quickly on the job, but it came as a shock that I basically only have a few more weeks to hang out with her before she moves away to the East Coast. You forget sometimes that people can disappear from your life that quickly.

All-nighters are getting easier. I'm developing a routine. Maybe that will mean more posts on here - I have about five or six new topics I want to write about. Time will Tell.

The Meta-Science of Sleep

2007-04-18T20:26:00.000-04:00

To the faithful - thanks for hanging around in my absence. Usually the janitor would yell at you to quit smoking behind the building, but in this case I gave him a talkin’ to. I have realized that if I want my boss to consider more seriously attaching MMNIE to our company web site (which will mean some significant editing on my part) I should probably post a little more regularly. Welcome back to the show.

Several new things going on lately. For starters, I got a call last weekend from a friend who sounded to be in pretty bad shape - turned out I had to take her to the emergency room for an inflamed appendix. We sat in the ER for about six hours, although I had to leave when the docs gave her morphine for the pain, and she started a rather uncomfortable line of conversation (involving me) in front of one of her girlfriends. Ok, you’ve got tubes and monitors stuck to you - my presence is no longer needed.

So what do y’all think about MMNIE possibly hitting the big time with a direct link from www.thisweeknews.com? I’ve already told my boss that I won’t change my style of writing (or clean up my fuckin’ language problem) and he seemed all for it (I guess that’s what he likes about it). Am I too hokey to hit the semi-bigtime? I’m sure quite a few of you would laugh if my measly little blog could make me some buck.

And now for some random declaratives.

At three in the morning last night I managed to fix my broken washing machine with a shoe string and three strips of duct tape. I’m that good.

Women, like troubles, come in threes.

Random items you can find on my work desk: a copper Spartan helmet, a suit of armor, a whittled hound dog, a bust of the Argonath, and photocopied pictures of Jeff Lebowski, Walter Sobcheck, Donnie Caravatsos, Darth Vader, Inigo Montoya, Fezzik the Giant, and Fazzini. Oh yeah, and the Dogs of Westerville 2007 calendar.

Civilization is crumbling.

The downward spiral continues, and I still refuse to get a haircut.

So L-Jo isn't alone

2007-04-07T15:46:00.000-04:00

I guess since Mrs. T put up her own picture from the annals of the past, I should follow suit. I warn you, this picture is from Halloween, about 10 years ago. Enjoy, and I will abide the laughter in pensive silence. There are some worse pics, but I have to find them before I can embarrass myself further.

Oh yeah, I guess here's one from way back. You're welcome, LT. Anyone remember those silk shirts us guys wore for a couple years that were so cool? Yeah, check it.

Who Is That Masked Man?

2007-04-01T21:56:00.000-04:00

I'm shamelessly copying an idea my friend Jenn had on her blog, but I thought it was a fun idea, and bored as a get during planning commission meetings, I put together a list of some of my favorite cameos from the movies. I.E., if someone famous/funny/weird just happens to pop up in a film for the hell of it, or if they just have a small part that could have been played by a no-name for a lot less money, they made the cut. These appearances aren't in any particular order, just how they popped into my head. Feel free to critique or copy.

1. Kid Rock as Robby in 'Joe Dirt': "You alright Dirt?" "Yeah man, I'm cool." "No you're not."

2. Steven Seagal as Lt. Colonel Austin Travis in 'Executive Decision': He's in it for like 10 seconds before he gets sucked out of an airplane to his doom. Die, Steven Seagal!

3. Billy Connolly as Uncle Monty in 'Lemony Snickets': Any time Il Duce shows up in a movie, it automatically becomes better. Just look at Last Samurai.

3. John C. Reilly and Liam Neeson in 'Gangs of New York': Pretty much every role in this film is a sweet cameo. But these two were exceptionally sweet.

4. B.B. King as Malvern Gasperon in 'Blues Brothers 2000': Another movie with an ass-ton of cameos. "Blues Brothers band. Hmph." "Bunch a wannabe players." "How good can a mess like that sound anyway?" "Hey man, don't worry - we gonna smoke these turkeys."

5. Brad Dourif as Wormtongue in Lord of the Rings: The voice of Chucky. 'Nuff said.

6. Phillip Seymour Hoffman as Brandt in 'The Big Lebowski': "This is our concern, Dude."

7. Gary Busey as the state trooper in 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas': "Can I just get a little kiss? I get so lonely out here."

8. Stellan Skarsgård as Cerdic in 'King Arthur': "Kill them all; kill everybody."

9. Rade Serbedzija as the homeless guy in 'Batman Begins': "That's a nice coat."

10. Brendan Gleeson as Reynald in 'Kingdom of Heaven': The most magnificent beard...ever. "I am what I am. Someone has to be."

11. Dennis Hopper as Kaufman in 'Land of the Dead': "Zombies, man. They creep me out."

12. Randy Quaid as Joe Aguirre in 'Brokeback Mountain': "You boys sure found a way to make the time pass up there. Twist, you guys wasn't gettin' paid to leave the dogs babysittin' the sheep while you stem the rose."

13. Ronny James Dio as Ronny James Dio in 'Pick of Destiny': He should have rode in on a chariot spitting flames that set Sasquatches on fire. That's how cool Dio is.

14. Mark Hamill as Cock-knocker in 'Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back': Sorry, I still am too much of a Star Wars geek not to add him onto this list. Even if he is fighting Jason Mewes with a laser-dildo. "You killed captain clown."

15. Christopher Lee as Mr. Wonka in 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory': Man, they're putting him in everything these days. Must be trying to get their money's worth before he croaks.

16. Cloris Leachman as Great Gam Gam in 'Beerfest': "You and I are not so different Mr. Badrinath. I've had all kinds of things shoved up my ass. But I got over it!"

17. Alanis Morissette as God in 'Dogma': Because George Burns never did a hand stand.

18. Sonny Chiba as Hattori Hanzo in 'Kill Bill': Who better to give the bride her sword? "For those regarded as warriors, when engaged in combat the vanquishing of thine enemy can be the warrior's only concern. Suppress all human emotion and compassion. Kill whoever stands in thy way, even if that be Lord God, or Buddha himself. This truth lies at the heart of the art of combat."

19. Henry Winkler as Henry Winkler in 'Little Nicky': Covered in bees!

20. Bill Nighy as Phillip in 'Shaun of the Dead': "Mum, he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood!"

21. Kathy Bates as Roberta Hertzel in 'About Schmidt': You know why. That image will never get out of my head.

22. Andy Serkis as Lumpy in 'King Kong': Not only was he the ape, he was also the ship's cook. And he gets his face bitten off by a giant, uncircumcised penis!

23. Vinny Jones as the Juggernaut in 'X-Men 3': Once again, 'nuff said. Bitch.

24. Hunter Thompson as Hunter Thompson in 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas': "There I was... mother of God, there I am!"

25. And finally... Christopher Walken in ANY MOVIE HE'S EVER BEEN IN. There are too many quotes to reference. Instead, I will leave you with an image that says everything.

Odd

2007-03-27T17:23:00.000-04:00

Facebook is such a strange phenomenon. Here's the message attached to a friend request I just received:

Jason says, "We were in the same 4-H group for two years before I switched groups."

I was in 4-H only up until about junior year in high school, and I started in like 5th grade, so there's a pretty big time frame I may have known this person. Apparently even then I was making big impressions. I'm awesome!

In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning...

2007-03-27T17:10:00.000-04:00

Do any of you out there regularly pull all-nighters?

I do, and am curious to see how it affects others. It’s not like I’m burning the midnight oil, toiling away at the many projects I start and invariably don’t finish - I know that I have a big problem with waking up early in the morning (I’m the only person on my block who doesn’t hear my alarm clock) so often times I’ll put on a pot of coffee, pop in a couple DVDs and wait for late late night to change to early early morning.

Here’s the rundown from last night:
Four cups of black coffee
watched the following:
Man of the Year
Trainspotting
A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints
Stir Crazy ...
at work by 8:30.

I’m not sure why, I just can’t wake up in the mornings. And boy do those hours just fly by. As long as I have a movie to watch, that sun comes up before I know it. But I wonder how much my co-workers notice - I find my sense of humor getting a little more twisted, a lot of the time I can’t think of the correct word I want to use to describe something, it sticks on the tip of my tongue. Plus the bags under my eyes are a dead giveaway.

But at least I’m in here before 11, I guess. And you always have cooky ideas while you’re sitting on your front porch in the dark that is 3:50 a.m. I’d describe this more, but the words escape me.

My Little Girl is Growing Up

2007-03-14T19:27:00.000-04:00

For those of you I haven't told yet, my little sister just got engaged. If you'd like to read the story of how it went (which is actually fairly drawn out and intriguing), just look here to Craig, my future brother-in-law's, blog.

Around the World and Back Again, That's the Sailor's Way

2007-03-13T23:26:00.000-04:00

Things I've seen/learned/witnessed/testified on behalf of this past week while on vacation:

Many of you know (I say many like there's a lot of you out there who read the copy here at MMNIE) that I took last week off for vacation. Well, I would describe it more along the lines of not going into the office - it still felt like work. I spent the last nine days traveling all over Ohio, visiting old friends, trying out new eateries, and playing concierge to a group of Marines and Navy sailors fresh back from Iraq.

I'm happy I'm alive.

Here's a rundown on some of the things I experienced in my travels:

1. I was educated in the exact method of constructing a real whiskey still. I am curious.

2. I saw a Marine who goes by 'Dragon' lock & load a pistol, acquire his target, and pump four out of seven slugs into a beer can at 30 paces, all in under five seconds.

3. I also learned that said Marine can get his ass handed to him in a Halo II deathmatch by a well-practiced, motivated country boy. All hail the dual-needlers!

4. I learned that it doesn't matter if you're a tri-county karaoke legend - a bar band will NOT let you sing back up vocals when they cover Bon Jovi's 'Dead or Alive.'

5. If an OSU football legend-turned-farmer hands you a mason jar of murky liquid and calls it 'apple pie,' odds are it will be 180-proof and taste like diesel fuel. Also, if said apple pie makes you throw up the next morning so everyone in the house can hear you, you can say that you gagged while brushing your teeth.

6. It is entirely possible to sit in a strip club for five hours, spend no money at all and only drink two beers. Your Marine buddies will pick up the slack. (315 bucks, C.D.? That's a month's rent for me!)

7. Don't expect the woman working the drive-through at White Castle to be very friendly when you bring those Marines through after the strip club at four in the morning. Your order will be horrendously wrong. No one will notice.

8. I saw a girl balance a full pitcher of Flying Dog on her head, an Andrew W.K. impersonator, and an overweight man humping the stage while singing Prince's 'Cream' at the karaoke bar. And that was all before I got up and sang Joan Osbourne.

9. Do NOT check your work email while on vacation. You will be sucked in. You will feel guilty. Resist the urge. No one will miss you, don't worry.

10. Although you may be the only one on the booze bus who knows Columbus, don't expect your fellow riders to like the bars where you tell the driver to stop. Or to respect your choice of beer. Or to not question your sexuality. Or to not ridicule your taste in women (is that a paradox?).

11. Don't ever get drunk and pass out around me when I have a camera. Especially after hazing me on the booze bus. I will take your picture. I will photograph you with drool dripping from your chin. I will put those photos on the Internet. I'm just that cruel.

There were many other adventures, which will be touched upon later. This is too long already.

Just Call Me Reece Bobby

2007-02-26T19:53:00.000-05:00

So I’m not sure if I did something awful this weekend, or if it was just strictly badass. I’ll say I’m not entirely ashamed of it, it did feel pretty good, but a part of me says I could have let it go.

I cussed out a little kid at the International House of Pancakes.

Here’s the set up - I went to Indianapolis with a couple friends this weekend to visit another friend, and after a night out we went to the IHOP the next day for lunch. We were leaving straight from the restaurant to return to Columbus, so after paying Garth and I prudently decided to hit the bathroom before the three-plus hour drive. Turned out it wasn’t a large public bathroom - just the type with one stall and a lock on the door. Garth went in and I leaned against the wall, waiting my turn.

About a minute later, this chubby-bordering-on-fat little 10-year-old-boy comes walking up, completely ignoring me, and goes to step between me and the door.

“Hey kid. I’m next.”

So the kid, instead of asking if he could go first (which I’m sure I would have let him), informs me of what’s going to happen.

“You have to let me go first. My family is about to leave.”

I stare at the kid. I’ve got a good two feet on him, probably about 100 pounds, I’m wearing my dirty black leather jacket and sporting my scraggly beard and currently-unkept hair. I’m not in the best of moods, and I give him the flattest stare I can.

“I don’t have to do anything. My group’s leaving too, and I’m next.”

The kid smiles at me like he expects me to find what he’s doing cute, like it’s worked for him in the past. He continues to slide his way between me and the door.

“Look, kid, don’t be a little prick. Get out of my way or I’ll sit on you.”

The grin just sort of slid off his face. About that time the door opened and Garth walked out, catching the tail end of the conversation. The little brat still almost tried to make a break for it, but I took a big step in front of him.

“Get the hell out of my way.”

And the greatest sense of pleasure I took from the whole encounter came next. Visible through the open bathroom door was not just one urinal, but a toilet as well. The kid piped up: “Hey, you can let me go, too! There’s two -”

Slam. Throw the lock.

I took my time while the kid sullenly pounded his head against the outside of the door. He didn’t look at me when I casually strolled out of the bathroom.

Next time I’ll stick the little pot-licker in a microwave.

My Sister, call her Armstrong

2007-02-17T18:28:00.000-05:00

Here's a video clip of my sister's senior tuba recital. She's with her brass ensemble, in the middle. The camera work is shaky, but you audio still comes through.

Someone was Bit as a Child

2007-02-14T17:54:00.000-05:00

The libertarian in me shouts out at this one. In the past several years this issue has been all over the news, and slowly creeps closer to us here in Ohio, as illustrated by the Times Reporter . Yet again, some politician who thinks he should appear to take action when someone gets bit by a dog thinks it's a good idea to pass some legislation, shake some hands and remind his constituents to vote.

THERE ARE NO BAD DOGS. ONLY BAD OWNERS.

I know it sounds a little similar to the old saying that guns don't kill people, people do; but maybe they're not that different of concepts. I don't even have a dog right now, and this still makes me want to punch somebody.

I don't care what these politicians say, there is nothing that makes one breed of dog any more apt to attack someone than any other breed. A dog's temperament is a product of how it was raised by its owners, how it has been treated by humans during its life, and how it is approached by the alleged 'victim.' You can take any breed of dog, and if you beat it or mistreat the thing as a pup, or force it to fight other dogs, even if you neglect to scold it when it jumps up on someone, that dog is going to turn out bad. I'm talking from poodle to mastiff.

One of the meanest dogs I've ever met was a 10-pound Jack Russell terrier. Its owner had let the thing catch mange, kept it in its cage the majority of the day, and pretty much mistreated it in general. You couldn't walk in the room with the poor guy without him growling at you, hackles raised. Thinking myself Dr. Doolittle (which I usually am) I got a pretty bad bite when I reached out my hand for him to sniff.

In contrast, as a teen I remember a couple from our church (I think) who had a St. Bernard which probably topped out at over 200 pounds. The couple also had a couple toddlers. Those kids would climb over that dog like it was a jungle gym, pull on its tail, hang from its ears, and the dog acted like they didn't bother him at all. But if the kids were playing outside and a stranger approached them, you can bet 200 pounds of muscle and teeth stood between them and anyone that might do them harm.

Anyway, this is going to go on forever if I don't cut myself off. I haven't even gotten into why it's wrong for government to legislate something like this (which I'll address later in the week) but for now, let's just say this topic pisses me off.

You scared little politicians should think about adopting dogs instead of banning them.

For some updated info on the topic, this website has a pretty decent bulletin board.

A Long Time Ago, In a Galaxy Far Away...

2007-02-12T23:07:00.000-05:00

It's a boring night. The roommate is out, I've purposefully turned off the TV, and Counting Crows is crooning on the CD player, and there's one hell of a storm on the way, or so the weather channel says.

It's Monday, and all my copy for the paper is already turned in; I don't have any money, so I don't want to blow any on random out-of-the-house activities; and it's too late to indulge in my bad habits and still make it to work early tomorrow.

So I'm gonna try to blog.

I know I'm a little obsessed with movies, but does anyone else live in a constant state of anticipation for some of the bigger projects down the line? I've been like that ever since I can remember - after reading Silence of the Lambs, when I heard they were filming Hannibal I couldn't wait. The Star Wars prequels... good Lord. And don't even get me started on the Lord of the Rings films, I had waited for them since I had learned to read.

Right now high on the list is the end of the Harry Potter franchise, the eventual Wolverine movie, Transformers, GrindHouse, a habitually-rumored sequel to Boondock Saints, the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie... the list goes on.

My breath is held in anticipation of The 300.

But once the movie comes out, I see it, I usually love it, I copy the DVD, file it in the collection and go on to the next big project. Does anyone else do this? For you music folks, I guess it's equivalent to waiting for your favorite bands' next release.

I don't know. It's just a boring, cold night, and I'm grasping for topics to write about.

Taylor Killian

2007-02-06T22:31:00.000-05:00

In a blatant attempt to draw more traffic to my pathetic little blog, I thought I'd share with y'all that I FINALLY covered something first that was picked up by the Associated Press. As weird as the story may seem, it happened in my little ole coverage area. I actually saw a columnist this week from the UK Times comparing Tony Blair with Taylor Killian, the Westerville North High School student who was tasered twice after running through the school naked. Anyway, here's the link to the story for those interested.

ThisWeek Westerville

For Once, I Don't Have Anthing to Say

2007-02-05T01:00:00.000-05:00

So instead of droning on on some oddball topic like I usually do here on MMNIE, I present a list of odd, random things I've seen in the past few days.

1. A grown woman transformed into a leukemic 12-year-old by the blue moon

2. A young man in a sports coat who sounded exactly like Willie Nelson

3. In the laundry, random strands of hair from a girl I used to date

4. John Cusack wearing a purple hooded sweat shirt

5. Two drunk blondes doing the Time Warp in public

6. In a Super Bowl commercial, two car mechanics eating a Snickers bar Ala Lady and the Tramp, and the image turned out pretty unsettling

7. Someone who doesn't know the definition of the word 'naive'

8. Received a phone call from a friend I haven't spoken to in almost two years, because she needed help burning a DVD

9. A bald man organizing a wedding with less than two weeks to go

10. And most notable of all, I met Replacement-Lin. He's real, he even looks a little like me, and we own the same sweater. And now he blogs.

Heaven help me.

You Know Who You Are

2007-02-01T17:48:00.001-05:00

That's right. Those of you out there with personalized license plates. Why in God's name would someone drop an extra $50 to get some goofy, often unreadable message scrawled on their tags? Most of the time I'm in a fairly good mood on my morning/evening commute - I look forward to driving alone, where I can relax and listen to my latest book on CD. But yesterday morning a little red Mustang ruined it for me. NVIABLE. Some jackass thought his ride was cool enough (and a reflection on himself/penis size) that other drivers might stop and think, 'Wow, I wish I was that guy. He's just like Fonzie!' Not me, friends and neighbors. The first impulse was to sideswipe the guy into a concrete embankment. I settled for cutting him off and tapping my brakes. Too much pent-up anger? I don't think so. If you must have a personalized plate, please limit it to supporting your favorite sports team or something (I always honked in Athens when I saw the guy whose plate said GOCATS). But I don't need that much insight into your life. I don't need to know that your car is EDSTOY or that your favorite Bible verse is JOHN316. Or, heaven forbid, the worst I've ever seen: That DADPAYD. Post some of the weird personalized plates you've seen as a comment on this post.

My Sister, call her Bastion

2007-01-30T21:17:00.000-05:00

I had to share this with my readers: a short story penned by my sis on her blog, offering a window into her life. All content copyright Courtney Rice, Super Hero LLC. If you would like to read her wonderful blog, you can find it at http://www.xanga.com/courtkicksbutt.

Once upon a time...

...there lived three crabs. Ser Grendal Bedivere, the gallant, led the crabs in never ending games of chivalry, including the joust, the melee, and of course, the digging in the rock and sand contest which culminated with throwing said rock on top of the vanquished foe. The small, yet deeply ponderous Richard Wagner oft sat by himself, brooding over the meaning of life and what it is to be hermit crab. His compositions would one day rock the world, but this day, he burrowed down into the rocks for want of privacy. And then, there was the Nameless One. Ominous of shell and long of leg, the Nameless One went blow for blow with Ser Bedivere. One might look and behold that the Nameless One and Ser Bedivere were mortal enemies, but not so. They spurred one another on towards greatness.

A day came when these three brave crabs were transported. Transported from visions of crably splendor to unknown lands. For some, the journey opened endless opportunities for glory. For others, the journey would mark great turning points in their lives. And yet, for still others, it would mean the ultimate price.

To the imminent woe of Richard Wagner, Ser Bedivere and the Nameless One settled immediately into their new stations of rulership over the Great Bureau. They came, they crawled, they conquered rocks. For Wagner, the fear of the unknown halted his composing. He could no more come out of his shell than pick up quill and staff paper. Late in the night as Ser Bedivere and the Nameless One continued in their epic combat, Wagner realized that without his compositions, he was nothing (although an untruthful worldview, it must be said that Ser Bedivere and the Nameless One were locked in their combat and were not attentive to dissuade Wagner from his mounting thoughts of worthlessness). Late in the night, whilst no one looked on, Richard Wagner ventured out of his shell and into the unknown. He journeyed into the light.

And on that morn, I found him there. Shell-less as his name day. A sad but telling look upon his face.

*And that is how the hermit crab that I possessed for less than 12 hours died. The end.*

Don't Mess with Texas

2007-01-28T21:05:00.000-05:00

And he's one of my good buddies.

Zombies and the Men Who Love Them

2007-01-24T22:49:00.001-05:00

Last weekend, Garthifer and I drove through the snowy streets of Groveport to audition as extras in a low-budget zombie film. As it turned out, Garth and I even auditioned for speaking roles in the movie (not much of a stretch for me - I read for the part of Bobby, a mid-20 something redneck) and Garth for an uppity scientist’s assistant. We thought it would be something fun to try, and it’s looking like we’re actually going to do it (they need at least 100 people to play zombies) and Jenn and I might even help out with the zombie makeup for the extras!

But I thought this might be a good springboard to write a blog about why I’m so obsessed with the entire zombie thing, as most of my friends are painfully aware. I’ve begun to notice my friends (including some of you reading this) have begun to look at me a little oddly with the whole thing, so I thought I might try to justify it to myself by writing it down. Ok, here goes.

I think to start off, zombie movies are the only kind that truly frighten me. I can watch any other horror flick, be it monsters, aliens, or your typical slasher film, and while they might be entertaining, they don’t really scare me. Not so with the zedd word - when done right, ala George Romero, they scare the living bejeezus out of me, which is really fun. Oh yeah, and then there’s Jaws (which I find terrifying) but that’s another story. So in a nutshell, I like to be scared by movies, and zombie movies are about the only ones that do the trick.

Also, the idea of zombies themselves have so much capacity to be used as a metaphor by a writer. If done correctly, a zombie horde can be a symbol of loss of identity (you become a mindless, soulless automaton that’s been assimilated by the group) a question of the afterlife (is there life after death? These things had to come from somewhere), and even the fast zombies from 28 Days Later, one can’t help but be reminded of any television footage ever seen about rioting (this is what happens when large groups of people become truly enraged).

If you have a good writer, a zombie movie also is a great opportunity to examine human characters and what they would do in a true survival situation. Who becomes a natural leader? Why and how does a character decide to only care about his own skin? Why does a particular guy cave under pressure and completely lose it? A great example is a comic series called The Walking Dead. The zombies themselves, while playing a major part of the story, are mainly out of the frame. The story itself is primarily about the survivors, and how they try to pull their lives together after tragedy.

Oh yeah, another good reason - zombie movies give me hope as a writer. Explanation: any of you writer friends of mine out there, watch the majority of the crappy zombie movies I have in my collection (there’s almost 40 now), and you’ll say to yourself, ‘Shit, I can write a better script than this!’ If movies like that are getting made with such terrible scripts, I think my chances of someday penning something better are pretty damned good.

I suppose there’s also the whole pioneer mind set that appeals to me as well. Come on, how many of you wouldn’t find the idea of living in a society where you could basically do whatever you want at least a little interesting? Maybe it’s because I’m a libertarian, or there’s a little Mad Max living in me. But, the government’s gone. The police are gone. Your boss is dead. The stores are empty. Just like the scene in Dawn of the Dead when the survivors go on a giddy shopping spree in the mall, us living would have free rein to do whatever we wanted, with no one telling us otherwise.

And of course, the country boy in me wonders if I could survive in the world of one of these movies. I mean, I know how to shoot a gun and I own several, I know how to survive in places where there aren’t McDonald’s and Starbucks... I’ve always wondered if I have what it takes to survive in a world full of zombies.

Well I know there’s more, but for now I doubt even the most devoted readers have gotten this far, so I’ll cut it short. There may be more, however... my obsession knows no bounds.

Humping the American Dream

2007-01-15T02:01:00.000-05:00

"What was I doing here? What was the meaning of this trip? Was I just roaming around in a drug frenzy of some kind? Or had I really come out here to Las Vegas to work on a story? Who are these people, these faces? Where do they come from? They look like caricatures of used car dealers from Dallas, and sweet Jesus, there were a hell of a lot of them at 4:30 on a Sunday morning, still humping the American dream, that vision of the big winner somehow emerging from the last minute pre-dawn chaos of a stale Vegas casino. " Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

There are few places that I've been to that offer such a weird, disturbing cross-reference of humanity as a second-rate casino. The fact that the Argosy Riverboat Casino rests at anchor less than two hours' drive from my front porch has given me the opportunity to go there multiple times, and the mixture of expressions on its shuffling, mind-numbed occupants has me constantly checking my back pocket to make sure no one's lifted my wallet.

Of course, in a mega-building boasting as many video cameras as New York City, anyone trying to steal a wallet would have to be really dumb... or desperate. And it seems like there's plenty of those.

I have never seen a room with so many people in wheel chairs gathered at once, with wrinkly old women with purple hair and Dale Earnhardt t-shirts constantly switching hands to drag along their oxygen tanks while sucking on Camel Lights. Many of my friends tease me for being a little too into zombie movies, so believe me... I know zombies. Walking through the Argosy Riverboat Casino at 10 o'clock on a Sunday night had me casing the place for escape routes and security guards who might have a gun.

I'll go there because I like to play poker. The thought that my putting a little more R & D into a game than the guy beside me paying off with an extra couple hundred in my wallet makes my mouth water. Not surprising that I sat at the hold 'em table for almost six hours without so much as a bathroom break. But all of these obese Midwesterners with that thousand-mile-stare, a little swipe card clipped to their collar as they pump quarter after quarter into the slot machines... God it makes me depressed to be human.

The last time I went to the riverboat, I was sitting at a poker table when I heard a massive 'thud.' Turning around, a fat man in a suit and cowboy hat had fallen right off of his chair in front of the Blackjack table, and was having some sort of attack right there in the middle of the casino. No one did anything to help him - the pit boss got on his little phone and immediately some house medics swooped in, secured the area and whisked him out, clean as clockwork. The people sitting at his table never stopped playing blackjack, and I think someone else had snagged his seat before they even hauled him away.

Hats off to the Peanut Gallery

2007-01-13T16:50:00.000-05:00

Well put on your city boots, strike up the band, muster the goombas, and slap my gramma - I actually have some readers! I've even been informed by a few that they check my blog on a daily basis, sadly seeing no new posts for weeks, dare we say it, months at a time. Well, this one's for you, kids. And once I remember how to add links to this thing, I'll add you to the circle.

IF YOU SEE THIS, PLEASE ASSIST.

So here's what's up. Lately I find myself questioning a few things. I'm not going to say I question my sexuality - that would be going in the wrong direction, but I think I might be putting out the wrong image lately. I mean, it's one thing to be secure in one's self and not be homophobic, but come on, Merlin! Singing Elton John songs in a gay bar, after getting your picture taken with the handlebar mustachioed bartender, his arms wrapped around you from behind while he nuzzles your neck? Geesh. I need to clear this up a bit.

Just to set the record straight, I am a hetro-kinda-guy. Just one big hairy American winnin' machine. Why do I do these things when I'm in my cups? I think part of it is to show off just how not homophobic I am and shock my friends, but that's just what it is - showing off. I need to cut that one from my repetoire.

So from now on, friends and neighbors, if you see me hitting on a male bartender to get my drink quicker, or giving a fake phone number to a bald guy and his boyfriend for kicks, step up to the plate. Say Merlin, you need to cut that shit out.

And always remember, check the signs. I drive a pick-up truck. I wear cowboy boots. I have guns and knives stashed all the hell over my house, and there's an NRA sticker on the back of that pick-up.

Oh yeah... and I wear flannel.

Losing my Mind

2006-12-14T17:45:00.000-05:00

Anyone reading this is going to think I'm crazy, but I've discovered a hidden talent in myself that's apparently lain dormant my entire life.

I can change the radio in my truck with my mind.

Sure don't believe me, but it's happened too many times for me to not notice it. When I put a CD in the player and put it on 'shuffle,' if I concentrate hard enough and with enough confidence, I can pick what song is going to play next.

Today on the way home was the 10th time it's happened, and I'd say my ratio of accomplishment when I actually try to do it is about one out of three.

Now if this happens once or twice you might write it off as a happy coincidence, a little bit of cosmic serendipity that the powers above decided to drip down onto your afternoon. But once it gets into the double digits, I'm not sure.

I was driving home today and for some reason I really wanted to listen to 'Boondocks' by Little Big Town. I have four CDs all labeled 'All-Time Best' each properly numbered, and I knew that song was on one of them, but I wasn't sure which. So I got the song firmly in my head, grabbed one of the CDs at random, popped it into the player and hit shuffle, all the while holding the song in the front of my mind.

Guess what came blaring out of my speakers.

On one occasion I was actually able to pick FOUR songs in a row off of one CD, all while on shuffle. There comes a point that differentiates between randomness and something else.

Am I on the beginning path toward becoming a Jedi? Or am I just losing my mind? Only the Shadow knows. Has this phenomenon ever happened to anyone else?

Old heroes

2006-12-09T02:34:00.000-05:00

So yesterday I saw Terry 'Hulk' Hogan in the flesh. It was at the Wal-Mart in Lewis Center, about a mile from my office, where he was helping his daughter Brooke to promote her new CD. The funny thing was, while all the signs said, 'Meet Brooke Hogan!' the entire crowd was obviously there to see the Hulkster - the majority of the line stretching the length of the Wal-Mart were males age 25-40, wearing wrasslin' gear and sporting fu-manchus. Apparently, they picked the wrong demographic to say hi to Brooke... but the Hulkster was most welcome. And I saw a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt, camo jacket, and a tattoo of a skull on his adam's apple taking a picture of Hulk (accompanied by long-time manager Jimmy Hart) on his digital camera. Us high-tech rednecks.

And a few weeks before I got an autographed picture of Kane Hodder (the only guy to play Jason Vorhees in the Friday the 13th movies more than once) for my buddy Clayton, who is currently a Marine in Iraq. I told Kane that once upon a time we had a life-size cardboard cutout of him in our kitchen, to which he looked at me quite strangely. He figured it out after I told him it was him dressed up as Jason, not just a replica of him... and he decided not to call the authorities. He had scar tissue from severe burns over three-quarters of his body.

What do I say to these one-time heroes? Sure, when I was a kid I was into the whole wrasslin' scene, but I haven't paid much attention in the last decade or so. Could I walk up to the Hulkster and say, 'Hey man, I saw you bodyslam Andre the Giant! Keep up the good work!' when that happened more than twelve years ago? Hmm, I'm not sure. I was neat to see him, and second-tier wrasslin' celeb Jimmy Hart as well.

I need some new heroes. Nothing wrong with the old, but I'm too far removed.

More to come soon.

To Blog or not to Blog

2006-09-14T18:30:00.000-04:00

So I'm not sure if it's the fledgling cold I'm battling or what, but I cannot seem to force myself to do any meaningful work today. Two real phone calls, and compiling my story list (which by looking at it means I should be working my ass off right now) are all I've accomplished by 3:30.

Therefore, I blog.

I haven't posted since last weekend, but I must say, I had a lesson in partying like a rock star. My buddy John and I went to Cleveland to visit Bam Bam, another old college roommate, for his birthday and to watch the OSU game on a mammoth HD plasma-screen television. This thing even mixes drinks for you, it is that sweet.

So Bam Bam is in a band, The Solicitors, which I highly reccommend y'all check out, just to give them some face time here on My Middle Name Is Earl. His band mates were in attendence, and as I said earlier, we commenced to Party Like Rock Stars.

This included drinking from six in the evening until eight in the morning, laying on the floor zoned out and playing Mario Kart for several hours (very unrockstar-like) having a middle-aged woman vomit on my shoes, and having in-depth conversations with a Steve Buscemi lookalike on the Star Wars universe (also, extremely unrockstarlike). But it was a good time, the hang over lasted two days, and I have pictures waiting to be developed. Once they're in the can you can find them on my myspace page.

But John made a new 'friend,' as usual, who I believe is around 12 years his younger (I exagerate, wouldn't want any police reading this to go tracking the poor guy down) and I made some new friends, who will hopefully visit in Columbus for Operation Hell on Arcadia, scheduled for Sept. 23. I also challenged the Solicitors' lead singer to a walk off ala Zoolander, but in the absence of David Bowie we had to postpone. Oh well.

Anyway, off to drink some cough medicine and lie down before watching Little Miss Sunshine. Is it a bad idea to go on a date with someone who has a 15-month-old?

updates

2006-09-05T00:13:00.000-04:00

For the sake of LT, I've decided to try and pick this up again. My blog has too awesome of a name to let it wither and die on the vine.

Took a fun tour of central and southeastern Ohio this weekend, with stops at COSI, Marietta, and finally in Zanesville. I tried my hand at a live fantasy football draft for the first time, and upon arriving home in Columbus my roommate informed me, with a two-second glance at my roster, that one of my players was cut from his team, another was injured and probably wouldn't play this season, and I think he said a third was in jail. I'm a wonderful fantasy football manager!

Happily I was able to see the Star Wars exhibit at COSI before it closed Forever. Not that I'm old by any means (I won't complain about my age like many of my friends since I haven't even hit the 38 mark yet) but something happened that made me feel part of a generation that's moving along down the cosmic path. Here goes.

So I was standing in front of a massive glass display case admiring the original costume of the one and only Darth Vader, used to film episodes four through six. I couldn't believe how big and imposing this guy was - no wonder an entire galaxy groveled at his plastisteel boots. Anyway, enough of my nerdiness.

As I was standing there, a group of about four or five 10-year-old boys walks by. Passing by Vader like they didn't even see him, one of them shouts, "Look, it's General Grievous!!!" and the boys tear ass over to a foot-tall bust of one of the bad guys from the 'new' Star Wars movies. Lord Vader was given only a passing glance.

I was slightly pissed that these kids would pass up arguably one of the most sinister and emotionally complex villians in movie history for a four-armed, computer generated hack job with an unplaceable accent. What the hell!

But I realized those kids were just identifying the bad guy from their contemporary culture. Vader and the rest of the crew were heroes of a different generation - these kids wanted what was on the shelves NOW.

It made me feel a little sad. Hopefully some day those kids will get older and appreciate the rest of the story. And someday when they're around my age and they're at a Star Wars historical museum, little kids will run by them, seeing images of Grievous, and laugh at how fake the CGI looks.

An entire column on the emotions invoked in me by a cast costume from Star Wars. Am I this much of a dork in person?

Don't call it a comeback

2006-05-08T23:19:00.000-04:00

Alright, it's been pointed out to me by a friend that they still check this blog, so as a point of honor, I must start it back up. Aside from work, sleep, and binge drinking, it's not like there's that much that takes up my time, so I should make more of an effort to share my insight with the world.

After all, there are starving children in Canada.

So something from my life the other day, that made me consider the fact that humans truly are social animals - we all feel this connection with our fellow homo sapiens regardless of whether we understand it or not.

I was sitting at a red light on Sawmill the other day, around noon, sun shining, beautiful day, ladi da. I'm in my semi-new truck, which has an actually decent sound system in it, and White Zombie's Thunderkiss comes on the radio, which is on the top of my list to someday karaoke. The old college memories kick in, of Clayton rampaging drunkenly through our living room as this song plays, and I crank it to optimum volume and sing along (windows up).

I look over to the car next to me, and there's a hippy in a vw bug. And he's singing along to the same song (it happened to be on a popular station). I instantly felt a connection to the man. We were sharing the same experience, and it made me feel happy.

So, as any ecstatic human would, I rolled down my window, cranked the music even louder, and smiled at him, flashing the Ozzy devil horns like the redneck geek I am. I felt on top of the world.

And the hippy looked over at me, got an extremely startled look on his face, and punched the gas, taking the first turnoff he came to.

I guess the cosmic bakers took some of us out of the oven a little too early. Some of us can't handle the intimate contact that naturally comes with being in the same place at the same time.

Either that, or I'm just a scary, unkept redneck in a pickup truck. I'll let you be the judge.

It's Been Awhile

2006-03-22T00:43:00.000-05:00

Good song to download: Audioslave's 'Doesn't Remind Me'

And it's been awhile..... since I maaaaade my laaaaast post. Yeah, I know, pretty lame, but BD inspired me to jump back on it, and I may just have a few things to write about.

So St. Paddy's is come and gone. I came to the realization today, after considering how much money I spent on alcohol in three days, that I drink too much. That money could be going to so many better things - one beer at Flanagan's Friday night could have bought me new guitar strings, and I could pick it up and play again. It's probably been about six months since I've even taken it out of its case, and that makes me sad. Guitar, your ass is mine!

So I'm starting a social experiement. Starting today, I'm not drinking a drop of alcohol for one month. Just to see what happens. Will I save money? Will I lose weight? Will women suddenly find me more attractive, or less so? Odds are, it'll be entertaining.

But the weekend was fun. The Blarney Bash in Dublin had some awesome music, with Irish versions of Livin' La Vida Loca and If You Wanna Play Irish Music, You Gotta Have a Fiddle in the Band. Ah, all those white people gathered in one place, it was enough to make me feel a little queasy. The small cadre of goths walking through the crowd lifted my spirits, however. As I told Garth, they're pissed off because their music sucks.

Friday night I ended up sleeping on an old friend's floor, surrounded by old friends, as we watched a documentary on the making of Deepthroat, narrated by Dennis Hopper of all people. Have you ever tried to watch a sex documentary after drinking for 12 straight hours? Yeah, me neither. I fear I may have alienated Alice's gentle friend, however, and the rest of the evening was inundated with bad vibrations.

So things have been very static otherwise. Stay tuned, and I'll fill you in on how I may actually be involved in a court case, and it doesn't even have anything to do with my job. Seriously. Oh yeah, and I'll keep y'all updated on the prohibition thing as well.

Excelsior!

Six Degrees, post St Paddy's

2006-03-19T14:30:00.001-05:00

So try this one: John McCain and Phylis Diller. I think they might have been in a porno together...

Six Degrees, post St Paddy's

2006-03-19T14:30:00.000-05:00

So try this one: John McCain and Phylis Diller. I think they might have been in a porno together...

Six Degrees

2006-03-06T15:21:00.000-05:00

Here's the latest. So far Brody has been crushing all opposition, let's see a little spirit here, people.

John Cleese and Dee Snyder.

Ron Jeremy Here We Come

2006-03-06T15:20:00.000-05:00

Okay, I know it’s been awhile since my last post. I offer no apologies, let’s accept the fact that I’m neglectful, and go on from there. Alright, peachy.

An interesting option was tossed my way this weekend. As I was enjoying a band at our local biker bar, my old college roommate, who is now a Marine, called me up and asked me if I wanted to get in on the ground floor of a new business idea of his.

He wants us to be Porn Kings.

That’s right, when Claytdog gets out of the Marines, he wants me and several of our other friends to join him in creating a pornography empire. I didn’t know what to say. The thought of all that untaxed income spoke to me, I have to tell you. But is that really the kind of person I want to be? A middle-aged, balding creep with a beer gut, trying to get college girls to perform lewd acts on camera for cash?

I better stop, I’m starting to talk myself into it.

But really, I think Claytdog was just a little drunk at the time, but if there’s anyone I know who would try to go through with this, it’s him. After all, the reason he is in the Marines ultimately stems from a night he got drunk and e-mailed a military recruiter. He almost literally woke up from a night of drinking to discover he’d joined the Marines.

On other fronts, things remain quiet. Things are starting to develop into a pattern at the job, money is still tight, and I still spend almost every waking hour of free time playing Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords. Kill them dark Jedi, Merlin!

I’m looking for input on the whole porn thing. Do any of you four readers have any connections to the industry, and if so, could you tell me what it’s like? To pass on to Claytdog, of course....

Globe Trotting Through Southeastern Ohio

2006-02-21T17:37:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was a lesson in travel. Friday night, I spent the evening with my old pal, Daniel Alen Weber, and my college roomie John B. in the beautiful city of Marietta. An odd Korean liquor called 'so-ju' was imbibed, John's girlfriend went to the hospital for stitches after puncturing her hand trying to open a twist-off bottle with a pair of scissors, and I discovered what is quite possibly my new favorite beer.

George's First Pilsner, courtesy of the Marietta Brewing Company. If you're ever in the armpit of Ohio, give it a shot.

Good weekend - bitter cold, good beer and rednecks in NASCAR jackets and mullets dancing to Bon Jovi's 'Bed of Roses' at the Double L. It almost felt like home.

After rising Saturday morning we caravaned to Zanesville, to repeat the previous night with a different lineup, visiting an old college friend who has recently contributed to the next generation. Dammit Dillon, I'll be paying for that kid's public schooling before I even know it.

So we went to the Barn, I was hit on by a gay guy YET AGAIN, and Truax scored a phone number. Country and Bruce were present, so it was a complete Z-town experience. The evening was finished on a copy writer's couch watching 40-Year-Old Virgin. Ahh, lean back and take it all in.

And now it's back to the daily maintenence on the Death Star, searching out new star systems for domination and desecration. Light a candle for me, my Catholic friends, and as to the rest of you, the next round's on me.

John Wayne's not dead, he's frozen.

Six Degrees Vol. 5

2006-02-21T17:35:00.000-05:00

We came up with this one over the weekend, and it led to some amusing conversation.

John Malkovich and John Travolta.

Dave Mathews Confuses Me

2006-02-16T01:20:00.000-05:00

Not much to say tonight, however I feel like I've hurt LT's feelings with my silence. So... I have returned.

Yesterday was V-Day. Such a weird holiday... guys are expected to spend too much money on things a woman can brag about to her co-workers and then forget about the next week, only to be left in credit card debt with a slipped disk. Wow, that was cynical.

My V-Day turned out better than those poor slobs - I spent the evening holed up in the lobby of Westerville's council chambers, waiting for the end of an executive session that never came. So instead, I schlepped on home, grabbed some pizza and watched I, Robot on the couch until I fell asleep.

Who needs roses and chocolate when you have a dvd player?

But now I must rest. Tomorrow morning brings a tour of Westerville by one of the city's PR flacks, and I must make a good impression.

Something to check out: 'Pagan Babies' by Elmore Leonard, on cd, narrated by Steve Buscemi. Sweet.

Six Degrees Vol. 4

2006-02-16T01:03:00.000-05:00

Alright Brody, try your chops on this one:

Chuck Norris and Neil Diamond. Two of the most kick-ass humans to ever walk the planet.

The Armor of Vader

2006-02-14T17:08:00.000-05:00

Alright, I just wrote a 1000 word post which was lost due to the Westerville Library's server crashing, so I'll give it another shot. If I couldn't crank out copy like a Peruvian coke-mule, I'd be devastated.

Yes, it's been awhile since my last post, but for the past week I've been highly medicated by the medical staff of the Death Star (so-coined by Jen Noblit). My black armor of plasti-steel has finally been completed, however, and I greet you as the newest dark lord of the Sith.

As was pointed out to me by the Jedi Council of Ess-inpee, I have succumbed to the dark side of the Force. This time last week, to my friends and countrymen I was known as Anakin Skywalker - brilliant swordsman, master wordsmith, and strong in the Force.

Today I greet you as... Darth Merlin.

Yesterday was the first day in service to the Dark, and it wasn't too bad. I've already cranked out two stories, set up two interviews and have many ominous leads swirling through my ancient iMac (who thought it wise to design a mouse with only one button, seriously?). Westerville should be fun, and I accept Master Jay-emm's thrown gauntlet with a full heart.

That's how you stand against the rising of the tide - the random spectacle of violent acts.

And it's off to council I go, to observe the political machinations of a new system. We shall see if I can bend them to my will....

Six Degrees Vol. 3

2006-02-14T16:49:00.000-05:00

Yes Brody, you did rip apart my last quiz question very easily, and when I was driving home the same day I realized how ridiculously simple that one was. So, in honor of you, I'll try for a harder one. P.S., Brody, send me your cell phone number again. I think I've lost it.

And the two lucky stars are:

Olivia Newton-John and Matthew Lillard.

NO CHEATING THIS TIME!

Six Degrees Vol. 2.... Long Time Comin'

2006-02-07T13:13:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's been almost a week since my last post, and now that I've spread the word to friends and colleagues I feel compelled again. Here's number two, and it's a doozy.

Billy Boyd and River Pheonix.

Have at it. Mahalo.

Six Degrees Vol. 1 MY ANSWER

2006-02-01T13:29:00.000-05:00

I like the long, drawn-out ones, so here's my solution:

Connie Nielsen was in Gladiator w/ Russell Crowe, who was in The Quick and the Dead w/ Gene Hackman, who was in Superman w/ Christopher Reeve, who was in Superman III w/ Robert Vaugn, who was in Pootie Tang w/ Wanda Sykes.

Yeah, always gotta get a Pootie Tang reference in there. Col me down on da panny-sty. Sa da tay.

Six Degrees vol. 1

2006-01-31T16:36:00.000-05:00

Here's to trying something, to see if more than Keith and Lyndsey read this. Each day I'm going to put up a new pairing for the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game, and you must post a response with the shortest amount of connections. (If you're not familiar with this game, it goes like this: say John Travolta and John Ritter. Travolta was in Primary Colors w/ Billy Bob Thornton, who was in Bad Santa w/ Ritter)

I'll keep a running tally, and whoever wins the most at the end of whenever will receive a mighty prize. Alright, here goes. Link these two:

Connie Nielsen and Wanda Sykes.

AND NO INTERNET CHEATING!